The ‘Middle-Aged Female Body’ Complaints Department
1 Bloat Street
Menopause NSW 6666
It is with regret that I am writing to express my dismay at the performance of your ‘Middle-Aged Female Body’, model number 16+.
I bought this model some time ago, and although I understand that its official warranty has since expired, I was told at the time of my purchase that I could expect a lifetime of service, without the limitations and poor performance it now demonstrates.
Unlike other expensive quality purchases, such as Rolls Royce cars, vintage wine or antique furniture, my model has neither improved with age nor been updated to keep up with scientific advances. Unlike many other, more successful models, that have moved with the times and become slimmer, stronger and lighter in design, my model now looks chunky and has become cumbersome to use.
It is still functional, but I fear that it has lost the initial appeal that once upon a time set it apart from its competitors.
My model does have some quirky additional features such as a thicker casing in most areas, larger buttons and protective padding, but it does not have many of the trendy upgrades that a lot of the newer models offer, which will make it difficult for it to survive in the current market.
It appears that ‘slim- line’ is all the vogue now and although the vintage appearance of my model does have a classic appeal of its own, it does not perform quickly and I fear that unless it receives an upgrade it will become dated, or worst, need to be replaced completely.
It is not particularly user-friendly either. It does not respond well to ‘touch’ or being shaken and it appears to shut down completely when I most need it to respond.
Sometimes, I even struggle to turn it on and even my husband has tried on occasion with little success. I am unsure whether this is to do with a faulty or old connection or the quality of the battery. In fact, there must be some fault with the battery as it drains very quickly and struggles to recharge. My kids constantly pushing the buttons may have something to do with this.
New apps, that I personally would like to see on my model, are ‘Calorie Crusher,’ ‘FatChat’, ‘Angry Birds’ and ‘InstaWine’.
Although advertised as having a large memory for storing information, I find this feature of my model the most disappointing. The control centre of my model is often sluggish to respond, particularly when I have just turned it on. Often I upload important information, only for it to be lost within minutes.
The camera feature is also unimpressive. None of my ‘selfies’ look good anymore, which must be due to a pixel problem as my skin tone has a tendency to appear very uneven and mottled at times, no matter how many photos I take.
The front of my model is also quite scratched and tarnished now, even though I have always used a protective screen. It doesn’t help the overall appearance that you have stopped making fancy, coloured casing for it, and none of the new cases seem to fit now, as they have obviously been designed for the new, slimmer, more contemporary models.
I don’t want my model to be replaced as I have a lot of valuable information stored in it, but I would very much appreciate an upgrade.
Please would you advise what this would involve and if it is necessary for you to send it away for a few weeks to be tampered with, I am sure that this can be organised.
Mrs I Rational