It is a Tuesday night and a middle-aged couple loll in a semi-vegetative state on the sofa in front of a gripping episode of Downton Abbey. Half-eaten plates of re-heated Thai dinner lie on the floor. The wine bottle is empty.
The dog, more commonly known as ‘The Princess’ to the family, suddenly leaps off her half of the sofa and looks intently at them both.
‘Daddy, I need a wee. Can you take me outside, please?’
‘Do you need a wee, Princess? Daddy’s worked hard at the office today and is a bit tired. Ask Mummy?’
‘But Daddy, Mummy’s worked really hard all day too. Because as well as her day job, she has looked after those teenage parasites you helped create and cleaned up after you too. So she is quite tired as well.’
*Dog starts to look worried and lifts left hand paw in demonstration of anxiety*
‘BUT MUMMY, Daddy did take me out last night.’
‘Yes, and Mummy TOOK YOU FOR A FUCKING LONG WALK TODAY.’
*Dog moves towards Daddy*
‘But that’s because Mummy can, Princess, because she works from home! Anyway, Mummy’s walks aren’t as good as Daddy’s walks, are they? We play ball and go for a swim.’
‘You’re right, Mummy was WORKING at home. Mummy doesn’t have time to play ball with me because while Daddy only has his fucking day job to do and can then relax when he gets home, Mummy has her job, your brothers and sisters and the house to look after, as well as you and Daddy. (Whispering) Mummy thinks Daddy’s a bit of an arsehole at the moment.’
‘Well, I think that Mummy’s being a bit unreasonable.’
‘REALLY! Well I think Daddy better get up off the sofa pretty fucking quickly before he finds out what being ‘unreasonable’ really means.’
*Dog begins to pull Daddy off sofa and Daddy goes*
Evening conversation after 20 years of marriage.
Any other couples say what they really want to say via the dog?