Jen Aniston’s New Haircut

Jen Aniston's New HaircutI went to the hairdressers to get Jen Aniston’s new haircut today.

Unlike the majority of women, going to the hairdresser’s is not a favourite pastime of mine. Firstly, it involves me leaving the house and secondly, having to make small talk with someone I don’t know, nor particularly want to know, is not what I call ‘relaxing’.

Then there is the anxiety of leaving the salon looking far worse than when I went in. And I do find it increasingly hard to sit still for two hours.

And the head massage is just plain awkward.

Making the decision to dye my hair for the first time all those years ago is probably up there with cigarette-smoking and eating Green and Black chocolate in terms of bad decisions. It was far easier to give up the cigarettes.

I did try and revert back to my natural shade of common ‘mouse’ a couple of years ago, but the old man, (who wouldn’t notice if I lost both legs), said he didn’t like it, so I’ve been back to bottle-blonde ever since.

But how fucking tedious is it watching someone put foils in your hair? There must be a special clause in health insurance policies to cover hairdressers for mental scarring caused by the sheer monotony of their occupation. Jen Aniston's New Haircut

I rarely get my hair cut these days because I spend all of my hair budget (as well as the old man’s, because fortunately he doesn’t need it) on the dyeing process, so my everyday hairstyle tends to be the messy bun. But because this week I’m PMS-ing, which makes me a little bit impulsive and a lot more demanding (amongst other things), I decided to do something really radical and spice up my hair. And before I knew it, I found myself on Pinterest doing my due diligence when I found out that Jen has recently changed her hairstyle.

Now, I’ve been working ‘the Rachel’ hairstyle very successfully for quite a few years now, but if Jen can cope with change, so can I. (I thought). So I decided to go for Jen’s new bob – which is kind of long at the front and short at the back and a bit choppy. Jen Aniston's New Haircut

WHATEVS – I KNEW WHAT I MEANT!

Got to the hairdressers, VERY excited at the prospect of re-inventing myself and I explained exactly what I wanted to my hairdresser (see above).

But they can never do it, can they? They can never translate the concept in your head, onto your head.

They go too short or they don’t cut off enough and you come out $200 lighter with nothing to show for it – and that is exactly what happened to me today. ALMOST. Because not one to sit quietly back and accept crippling disappointment, I waited until after she’d finished the blow dry and then asked her to do what I’d asked for in the first place to take another inch off – all the way around. Cue awkward silence as all small talk ceased and you could have heard a Kirby grip hit the floor. I stuck my nose in the trashy mags and settled in for lunch and afternoon tea, while my hairdresser started snipping all over again.

Jen Aniston's New HaircutThe end result – my new cut looks a lot like the style worn by Javier Bardem in No Country For Old Men. It wouldn’t look out of place on a librarian (Not you, M) or in a pre-school photo in the days when the mums thought that using bowls would be good for cutting their kids hair.

The old man said I looked ‘distinguished’ (FML) and then tried ‘vaguely attractive’ and finally stammered ‘HOW MUCH?’ and had to lie down.

I still look nothing like Jennifer Aniston, but perhaps it’s got nothing to do with the haircut.

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11 thoughts on “Jen Aniston’s New Haircut

  1. Everybody has the same problem, we ask one way and came out another way. I’ve given up. Your post is funny, I had a good laugh now in the morning.

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  2. I hate the hairdresser. I’ve not been since they failed to give me what I wanted on my wedding day and 90% of my wedding photos are ruined because I have bits of hair flopping in my face. The only photo I like is where I’ve pulled my fringe across as I FUCKING WANTED IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.
    Then there’s the fear of them finding nits. (A very real chance with a child of primary school age.)
    I may have crap hair, but at least it’s without the expense or humiliation.

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  3. I too have given up the torturous journey to the salon… years ago… for the exact same reasons. I’d invest time is seeking out the desired cut, I’d provide photos, I get my nerve and my hopes up… only to find myself emotionally devastated, lighter of the pocket AND dignity. My hair is STRAIGHT… it does not perm… it does not wave…it does not layer well, it is STRAIGHT… people even ask my what straightening tool I use, I respond with ‘genetics’. I have declared the ‘messy bun’ my official look, predictable, comfortable, and practical as the hot flashes seem to come in waves. The saddest thing is I received a gift certificate to a salon for Christmas … two Christmases ago… it lurks in the desk drawer… it taunts me when I reach for stamps or paperclips… But do I face my fears and go face the uncertain results and the emotional rollercoaster that my follow or do I listen to my head telling me it is not worth the risk and that it is ok to let the gift lurk? Maybe I can pass it along to someone else… but would I just be subjecting someone else to the torture?

    You speak the universal truths of womanhood, I love the way you do that… It is so nice to know I am not alone. Thanks!

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    1. That’s the thing, normal hair just does not do what celebrity hair (with hairdressers and free product on tap) does. And we fall for it. You should see the style this morning – all over the fucking shop, like it’s never heard the word ‘style’. Don’t waste the certificate – can’t you get a head massage from a hot, young masseur or something?

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      1. Common sense prevails! I do not think the salon has a masseur… maybe I can just go blow the whole thing on product!

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  4. I so hear you about what you can ‘see’ as the end result compared to the actual end result are just worlds apart. I have found a really good hairdresser and God help her if she dies before me !!!! I had hair that was as straight as straight as straight – until I hit menopause and some sort of kink decided to set in. Now I can (a) wear it down if I use a straightener or (b) shove it up in a pony tail – the pony tail wins most days !!
    Have a great day !
    Me

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  5. After many years of hairdressers not giving you what you want I gave up and let them do what they want, still waiting for the photo of your new haircut though, and I bet it’s fab?

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