Have you ever caught up with an old friend from school?
Someone you haven’t seen for about 30 years?
That happened to me recently.
I first caught up with this old school friend a few weeks ago, and I admit that I had been completely unprepared for how jaw-droppingly gorgeous she still was.
Because we’re both on the wrong side of forty now, and although I haven’t let myself go completely, age and teenagers have definitely had their impact on me recently.
So when this absolute glamour-puss, (imagine a shorter version of Jerry Hall, when I was
hoping for expecting Dawn French), turned up on my doorstep, it took me a while to realize that this was the same friend I’d last seen in a very unflattering tunic, fawn ankle socks and flat black lace-up shoes at school.
But it gets worse.
Because although I have blanked out most memories of school, I remember that this friend was particularly lovely – both inside and out.
And she still is.
But even worse.
Within a few minutes of our catch-up, I learned that not only had she travelled the world… lived in Africa… and was married to a successful writer, she had also had her own successful career in film-making too.
If she’d saved a few dying children or set up an AIDS hospital, I might have hung myself in front of her right there in the kitchen.
I’m sure she has the ODD skeleton in her walk-in closet, too. I mean, who doesn’t? It’s probably nipple hair or droopy boobs or maybe her husband demands sex more than once a year.
But just in case she really was as perfect as I had surmised, I was a lot more prepared before I met up with her for lunch.
I knew I had to bring out the big guns.
So here’s how I prepared:
Removed all signs of grey hair –professionally, and not with my brown eyeliner
Removed all visible course body hair – upper lip, eyebrows and moles
Wore my Spanx
Went for a ‘run’ just before our lunch, to be at my slimmest
Researched something (anything!) interesting to say about what I had done in my life – to throw in casually, like, when she got tired of looking at my gaping mouth
Made up something interesting to say about the old man
Made up some lies about my children and how fulfilled they had made me
Made up some lies about how successful and interesting my career had been
Any of you got school friends who morphed into swans?