Do you ever think that your house would turn into an apocalypse if you went away for more than a few days?
Perhaps I give myself too much credit.
But that idea struck me over the weekend after I’d shouted downstairs to the old man to cut one of Kurt’s tablets in half and Kurt shouted back up to me:
‘You better come down, Mum. Dad’s looking confused.’
I am not accusing all men of being incapable. I realize that SOME men do possess a measure of common sense and could think of several ways to halve a tablet without having to resort to Google.
Surely most men are incapable of thinking beyond the latest sports scores or a spreadsheet?
But it’s safe to say that a lot of men are not what you might call ‘intuitive’ in a parenting or domestic way?
I know for a fact that although I have trained the old man in the fine art of loading and unloading the dishwasher, for example, he will still not think outside the box when it comes to sweeping the kitchen floor, say, or wiping down the bench top down.
So if I did run off with Chris Hemsworth, I know for a fact that the dog would never be fed or walked, and would end up using that area under the dining table (that she is forced to use whenever I am away for longer than six hours), as a toilet.
And then there is the question of the survival of our children.
Kurt would never never take his medication and the old man would wonder why he spent so much time on the ceiling. Kurt would never get to school because no-one would nag him relentlessly to get out of bed and he would lay there, forgotten, at the top of the house, playing XBox for days on end.
As he has absolutely no desire to go to school anyway, it would only be when the Department of Education knocked on the door and reminded the old man about his duty of care that he might be forced to acknowledge the presence of a child in our house with extra needs.
NC would waste away because no-no would know that her body only tolerates expensive, exotic take-out foods and Maccas just wouldn’t cut it. And there would come a point where she would have to migrate to the old man’s bedroom because who would remind her that eventually you have to tidy your room in order to locate your bed?
Of course, the old man would argue bitterly that he’d save a lot of money not having me around (haha!), and he wouldn’t have to wear headphones to block out my nagging.
Marriage is not a competition, but in the game of Domestic Survivor, I would win hands down.