If I Can’t Eat Cheese, Surely That Means That Life As I know It, Is Officially Over?

English: Avocado with its cross section. Pictu...
English: Avocado with its cross section. Pictured in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. App 18 cm (7 inches) long. Français : Un Avocat entier et en coupe. Photo prise à Dar es Salaam, en Tanzanie. Longueur 18 cm environ. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I admit that I may have ridiculed friends in the past who have been sucked in by fad diets, and for this I bow my head in shame.

Because I’m about to bore you again with the downhill progress of my middle-aged facial skin condition, Rosacea.

I’m also ashamed to admit that I never realized before just how much I took my looks for granted in my previous life.

Over the past ten years, I’ve been forced to come to terms with fading looks, ‘invisibility’ in public, out-of-control whiskers and general tubbiness, but it’s a real kick in the scrotum when what the ageing process has left of my face has become a red, blotchy horror show.

The old man’s empathetic words of “At least I don’t have to worry about you leaving me now,” have been far from comforting.

Even worse, is that after a lengthy hypochondria-fuelled research session with my best mate Dr Google and various international quacks of certain ill-repute, it appears that the diet I need to go on to make my face acceptable to the public again is bordering on inhumane.

I have always been a healthy eater, so I never considered that being forced to become more ‘clean’ with my food choices would be that difficult, but below are just some of the yummy foodstuffs I am supposed to eliminate:

Avocados – We all know that all gut street credibility goes back to zero these days unless you have at least one avocado crammed in your gob at every opportunity. Avocados have assumed super, super-food status now; let’s face it, they are bordering on becoming the God of the food kingdom.

They’ve also shown up quinoa to be the fad we all hoped it was.

So how exactly will I be able to show myself in my local café again if I can’t flaunt my superior healthiness with avocado on the side of every order? And the thought of the breakfast perfection that is smoked salmon, toast and poached egg, WITHOUT their perfect green sidekick, is already giving me sleepless nights.
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Dairy – not so hard for me to relinquish, I thought, as I’ve never been a huge dairy fan due to scientific misconceptions about cholesterol that cemented an innate fear of premature mortality.

But then I remembered cheese.

I may need to take a moment….

I can’t pretend that giving up cheese, one of the major keys to happiness in life, will be easy. ‘Cheese’ deserves a proper grieving period, a moment to reflect on what it has done for me throughout my life. Hell! even scientists admitted that it is addictive this week, so it must be good.

How exactly are me and my mates supposed to survive PMT, women crises, man-bitching and The Bachelor without a Frisbee-sized slab of the fullest-fat Brie on the coffee table, to temper our white wine?

Everyone knows that cheese is comfort on toast

And let’s not forget all those traditional cheesy faves we were bought up on, before dairy and carbs were excommunicated: cauliflower cheese, macaroni cheese, lasagna, quiche…

The good old days… before we told that anything that tasted really good would give us cancer.

Allow me to welcome bacon, sausages, burgers and red meat into that group this week, too.

Spicy foods – I’ve served my time with hot food. I’ve earned my chili stripes. After two years of the roof being taken off my mouth, feeling as though my whole body was about to lift off, I’ve finally found an appreciation for the not-so-subtle thrill of wasabi. Sashimi without wasabi is like wine without cheese, Will without Kate, Kurt without….Hmmm…and let’s also remember the Thai green curry, Indian Dahl, and the piece de resistance of spice, Mexican food, which combines just about everything my Rosacea reacts so violently to.

I just don’t know how I’m going to sing along to the El Paso adverts anymore, without feeling a fraud? Is it even possible to make a taco without cheese, avocado, tomato or spicy fill?

And finally, to tomatoes…

Anyone ever nailed an appetising, tasty salad without tomatoes or cheese?

Thought not.

I’ve tried. In a moment of insanity, I went all out last night and added some fresh, sugar-snap peas to my pathetic-looking green salad.

It was a fucking riot.

Which leaves me with a choice of chicken, fish and lettuce.

So can you now understand that why I am destined to become that grieving, twisted, mad woman who hates everyone and mumbles curses under her breath to any innocent shopper in the supermarket who dares venture towards the deli counter.

My life is officially over. Goodbye world.

10 thoughts on “If I Can’t Eat Cheese, Surely That Means That Life As I know It, Is Officially Over?

  1. A life without cheese is no life at all. Honestly I don’t know how our vegan daughter even drags herself out of bed in the morning when there’s no cheese to look forward to. I weep for you.

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  2. OH no….I cannot even begin to imagine having to give up cheese, not without losing my shite completely, and ending up in a fetal position under my bed. You poor darling. I mean, especially during the winter months where all we want to do is eat cheese, drink wine, and sleep til April.

    When has a snap pea ever been comforting? Ohh wait…never. My hat is off to you for trying to get your rosacea under control, but geez doesn’t it seem like sometimes as we get older there are more things that we need to give up to gain some ounce of health that would otherwise elude us? It’s like wine exacerbates hot flashes…oh well, I have always preferred being hot to cold. 🙂 Cheers to you for making a hard choice. May you be rewarded for your efforts with a healthy glow 🙂

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      1. Oh good…try everything else first..Wine is the last bastion of goodness and joy in our middle-aged lives…and by God if that goes away I’m not sure what to do..

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      2. I totally get the frustration with skin issues Louisa…am dealing with some kind of allergic dermatitis on my face at the moment which after some investigation appears to be due to the HRT treatment I am on..so something in either the Estrogen or Progesterone is causing monthly rash on my face…it is so difficult when you are already facing perifeckingmenopause head-on, the inevitable muffin top, and now I get to look like the elephant man once a month…Investigations continue, in the meantime I use organic African Shea Butter to moisturize my ravaged dry crusty face. I sincerely hope you find a solution to your rosacea. It is very debilitating..I at 48 can finally say I don’t get pimples anymore..yay! But now I get hormone induced dermatitis lol oh the journey…Thank you for your blog Louisa it continues to bring laughter and joy to what would otherwise be just a shite time of life :):)

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      3. Oh I am so glad to hear that Louisa! I am sitting here with swollen almost shut eyes and red crusty eyelids waiting for my referral to a gyno and dermatologist..I have decided to try a Naturopath as well..I so look forward to hearing about the progress of your situation. So unbelievable that we just nicely get over (in my case not sure about yours) adult acne…and then we transition into rosacea and dermatitis.. what a fecking circus some days…enter Wine. Why Hello, yes I believe I WILL have another one..LOL

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  3. Hello my favourite mum out there! 🙂

    Bugger, no cheese, avocado or tomatoes is sacrilege!
    Still, your lucky they haven’t taken caffeine and alcohol from you. Lordy, can you image! No, bad me for saying it! Hahaha

    In all seriousness, I can imagine the reaction you have from these foods is so not worth the end result. It sucks when these things hit us later in life. Haven’t we done enough by this age to have some kind of reprieve, before the real sucky part of our life comes. You know, the part when we talk about our hip operations, medications and surgery’s we have all had. Pfft, thank god for alcohol!

    Take are of you. Hugs Paula xxx

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  4. The hell with it. I’m just going to keep putting on my Clinique Redness Solutions moisturiser and foundation you recommended and eat everything.

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