Snoring: First-World Marital Problems In Middle Age

There’s no doubt that there are certain times in a marriage – like right now as the old man’s feelings of disdain and disappointment penetrate the bedroom wall because I am still in bed at 10am on a Saturday morning – that prove more testing than others. But if Trump thinks he’s got problems with Melania, he needs to get some proper perspective.  bed-945881_960_720

My snoring problem is dragging us towards an awkward low point in our relationship that I could never have envisaged at the altar twenty-five years ago when we carelessly promised to love each other “in sickness and in health,” without first consulting the small print.

Last night, I was awoken by the brutal sensation of something flicking at my nose, a physical abuse that the old man denies – he says I was dreaming – nevertheless, still an act of desperation on his part that I won’t be able to forgive quickly.

He has admitted (under the influence of alcohol) that there have been several occasions in the middle of the night as he has listened to my Darth Vader impression, that he has plotted my murder; and the only other time in our relationship when he came close to such impassioned feelings about my existence was when I almost killed him with food poisoning.

He has never been able to look a bacon and mushroom risotto in the eye since then.

I have no idea why I’ve suddenly started snoring, and my anxiety refuses to lead me down the terrifying route of potentially life-threatening medical reasons such as sleep apnoea – WHICH CAN KILL YOU –  but when your own husband has considered taking that option into his own hands, it gets you thinking.

Like, perhaps he should invest in some decent earplugs?

There is, of course, another option, because we are fortunate to have a spare bedroom in our current home. The problem is, neither of us is willing to contemplate it as a serious solution and move out. And probably not for the reasons you might assume, because one thing we do agree on is that the potential risk of less intimacy doesn’t come close to the importance of a good night’s sleep.

Both of us like our own bed, and particularly our (only successful joint furniture) purchase of the mattress we bought a few years back, that has since been sculpted perfectly into the shape of our three bodies. In my view, a good mattress is one of the key components to a happy life, and the mattress in the spare room is an old one that the kids and their friends have spewed, weed and no doubt done other stuff on while we’ve been away. We also NEED to have an ensuite a stone’s throw away – because middle-aged bladders – and we like the security of having the dog between us to keep us warm in winter and to bark in the middle of the night each time a leaf drops. 

Neither of us is prepared to give up the sanctuary of the master bedroom – not for the sake of our marriage or his sanity – which means our little problem has turned into something resembling a standoff, and our attempts to work this problem out in a mature way, (as in one befitting our age) – ie. nose plugs, ear plugs, medication and angry prods in the night – have confirmed, once again, that we are not mature. I think that because he is the type of unnaturally light sleeper that can hear drunks being kicked out of the local pub in the next suburb – he should be the one to move out; he thinks that because I didn’t snore when he married me, our current situation is a perfect example of misrepresentation, and the punishment should fit the crime.

First-world marital problems.

Who do you think is right?



16 thoughts on “Snoring: First-World Marital Problems In Middle Age

  1. I’ve never tried ear plugs but imagine they would hurt your ears if you lie on your side, much like ear buds do on personal earphones. I can say tho’ being married to a snorer, or of late a ‘clicker’ (a clicking noise which can be likened to a dripping tap and is excruciatingly annoying) that your snoring cannot be that bad really otherwise your other half would happily sleep on any old lumpy mattress if it meant getting away from the noise of a snorer. Stick to your guns, you’ll win over the best bed if he can’t stand the noise any longer.


  2. My husband snores, in addition to some other issues and has since moved out into his own room, which we outfitted with the exact same mattress as we have in the master bedroom. It did need to be broken in and I have no solution for the dog issue. I was really sad at first, as we have been married for almost 25 years. However, now I really like having my own space and I sleep much better.


  3. As a partner of a very loud snorer! I do have some sympathy with your husband. However, apparently I snore myself but of the quiet variety and partner is a deep sleeper most of the time.
    I did used to think about suffocating him with a pillow often, but he took part in a sleep apnea trial at Sydney Uni, and now has a mouth guard which works a treat, but he does look like and sound like Hannibal Lector….
    Did not really affect too much activity in the bedroom, as minimal already 🙂 but does mean I get a decent night’s sleep.
    You definitely should get tested for sleep apnea regardless of old man’s sleep pattern, because it can be life shortening, and we don’t want that!!!!


  4. oops, I wasn’t finished! Anyway the little antihistamine did the trick. Funny thing…just visited my daughter at college and she complained that my snoring kept her awake. I told her that her poor housekeeping habits were responsible for that….there was sooooo much dust in that room! Good luck and remember, in marriage: Whatever works!


  5. RestMax Pro Dairy product will be a cause of snoring. vegetables are light-weight on the stomach and are terribly healthy thus will prevent snoring. That tempting greasy and tasty foods should be not gift on the dinner table if you would like to forestall snoring from occurring at night.


  6. I started snoring after i gain weight!! Im trying to lose some weight now.. recently i reposted article i found on google on my site. About exercise to improve breathing & curing snoring feel free to checkout


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