The 5:2 Dog Diet

As many of you will know, I am a fervent supporter of campaigns that demonise the objectification of women and I detest the unrelenting emphasis on women’s weight that leads to body image issues and the propaganda pertaining to the all-consuming need to be thin.

The issue of weight control has to be handled delicately, and never more so than when its side effects may be harming the health of your own children.

It has come to our attention that the Spoodle Princess is getting a bit fat porky.

 The 5:2 Dog DIet

When we returned from our most recent dysfunctional holiday, which the Princess spent at a resort in Dural (!), it was obvious that she had lost a lot of weight. You know what holidays in the sun are like? All that exercise, fresh air, tanning and ball-chasing – sometimes a girl can just forget to eat!

Then again, it might also have been because she was actually walked occasionally, or because for ten days every predatory male dog south of Sydney chased her for what we like to call, a special cuddle.

I’m not sure if it was the guilt of sending her away or the fact that her selection of designer coats was a little loose around her small frame when we returned, but the family began to compensate by overfeeding her.

Anyone who has a Hoodle (Spaniel crossed with human) knows how easy that is to do. There’s always that leftover sausage or NC’s* cooking (often only fit for Hoodle consumption) and the Princess’s favourite meal, Spaghetti Bolognaise.

Over the last week, however, we’ve noticed that she has developed some rather embarrassing love handles and is becoming harder to carry during her walks.

Upon analysis of her feeding habits, during one of our recent family therapy sessions, (and a mortifying reading on the scales), it appears that the Princess has actually been eating more than the rest of the family put together, which, when you consider that her fighting weight is 8kg, is obviously detrimental to her health.

Her level of fitness has obviously already been affected.

She no longer chases the ball like she used to, when for a few minutes of the day she would forget she is human and behave like a common dog. She struggles to jump onto the sofa to vacuum crumbs, and I am certain that I discerned a tut the other day when I suggested a walk around the block.

So I have been forced to mention the D word in the house, which is something I have tried to avoid as the mother of NC, knowing what an impact that word can have on young girls.

I have had to remind the Princess that she is in fact a DOG and porky dogs are no fun at all.

In her defence, I know that she wants to help herself. I can tell that she is uncomfortable in her pink velvet Dogue coat when the hood sits that little bit too tightly around her neck, and she is struggling to bark really threateningly at Trixie Yapface next door without pausing for breath. She takes her role as guard dog to the family very seriously, and was embarrassed to find herself breathless recently after an ill-timed dash downstairs to give the postie his daily warning to ‘fuck off’.

The old man spoke on the Princess’s behalf at the meeting and we have finally managed to persuade her to try the 5:2 diet. This diet proposes that you eat for five days and fast for two – we did need to correct the Princess’s initial assumption that this involved five meals for five days a week and two on the other days.

Weigh-ins have been a traumatic process for the whole family, but we know that we have to be strong for our girl.

The North Shore has high standards and you need to be able to wear your collection of designer coats with pride, so the other bitches stop and stare in envy rather than bark out the number for Weight Watchers.

*Nerd Child

The ‘Replacing Food With Wine’ Diet For Women

I’ve never really been one for diet fads or exercise.

Food and wine pairing at the fine dining resta...
Food and wine pairing at the fine dining restaurant, The Flute, in downtown Mumbai. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It’s not that I’m one of those lucky skinny bitches with an irritatingly fast metabolic rate who end up slimmer than before they had babies; I’m just fundamentally too lazy to be arsed.

I also REALLY like food.

I honestly believe that a little extra meat on your bones looks a damn sight healthier than the skeletal look as you age.

Lucky that!

Having said that, I admit that I am a good (ahem!) 20kg heavier than I was on my wedding day and I don’t really want to get any heavier, so to maintain this new (just about acceptable) middle aged weight, I’ve had to make some radical adjustments to my lifestyle.

Such as:

  • Working my ass off in whatever my latest fad exercise is
  • Walking the dog when I can be bothered or she makes me feel guilty enough
  • Creating a personal diet plan that includes wine suits me.

The problem with all those commercial ‘diets’ with controlled eating plans, those ‘questionably thick’ shakes, putrid soups or just lemon juice (WTF), is that they don’t allow for you having a life, and although they might bring results in the short term, maintaining that new weight proves difficult once you get off the diet treadmill.

Scientists have proven that once you reach middle age (just when your comfort-eating skills have maximised), your body doesn’t need the same amount of calories as it did before – it also takes malicious pleasure in depositing the surplus.

I am a strong advocate of ‘The Replacing Food With Wine Diet.’

You see, the biggest problem I have with watching my weight is that I am an alcoholic.

The fact is, that I enjoy a glass or two of wine in the evening so much, that I am happy to sacrifice food for it.

And there’s nothing controversial in that statement – even Weightwatchers allow you to drink wine if you save the points elsewhere. If you need any more justification, wine is apparently now beneficial for heart health (well, this week anyway).

There’s actually no massive secret to maintaining a healthy weight when you reach middle age, but it does involve hard work and discipline in the form of exercise and a calorie-controlled diet.

Deciding what those calories will be is the fun part.

Here’s an example of my typical day (give or take a few hundred calories):

Breakfast

Bowl of cereal or scrambled eggs on toast, juice and coffee

Morning Snack

A real coffee or some fruit

Lunch

Sandwich and fruit,

or soup, bread and fruit,

or crackers, cheese and fruit

or (a Weightwatcher’s favourite), beans on toast

(Sneaky biscuit)

Lunchtime is when I eat carbs. If I don’t eat carbs at lunchtime, I put on weight because I start gnawing on my own arm or attack the cookie jar by 4pm.

Afternoon Snack

Cup of tea and biscuit

Dinner

Lean meat or fish, with salad.

Reward Time For Being So Inhumanely Stoic (Orgasm Time)

1-2 glasses of wine and a few squares of the darkest, sexiest chocolate I can find.

This diet seems to work for me – at the moment. I probably consume in the region of 1500 to 1700 calories per day, but I do try to exercise at least three times a week. I know the recommended amount of exercise is 30 minutes per day but P.L.E.A.S.E!

My diet is noticeably low in fat/cholesterol due to a genetic cholesterol issue, but sometimes if I’m feeling really crazy, I might sneak in a yoghurt or smoothie instead of fruit.

I’m not what you’d call slim, but my weight hasn’t really changed over the last three years, and with menopause looming, I realise that my diet plan will need revising at some point – I may then be forced to cut out food altogether.

Crème brûlée (Creme Brulee)
Crème brûlée (Creme Brulee) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Rest assured, I am no saint and at the weekends I love to ‘eat all the pies’ as much as the next person. But I do make informed choices. If I do have a big meal out, I’ll try and cut back the next day and I always endeavour to opt for Asian food (except Chinese) which is usually less fatty. (Actually that’s a blatant lie – my penchant for Creme Brulee, may go some way to explaining my Rubenesque hips).

But the best thing about The Replacing Food With Wine Diet is that you always feel content because you’re pissed full all the time.

Have you found a diet that works for you?